I need help with my story!!!! I need Ideas!!!! ... I don't know... can someone HELP!?! , Please??

Tell me what do you think about my story "The rising threat". It's in fanfiction.

"The rising threat".


Please people i need reviews!!, i want to know what people think of my story. To make sure if i should continue or not.

Do you have a link in it.

A question, is this Egyptian or is it Greek. Not to be harsh, but you should stick to just one, instead of incorporating deities such as Ra, but the same time also having Annabeth in it. Greek and Egyptian in my opinion should stay separate. Also you should edit your story more carefully, got get rid of spelling, grammer, and wording mistakes.(Some parts the wording doesn't make sense.)


This is a bit off topic, but welcome to mortalnet's forum.

Thanks for reviewing. I just wanted to make something diffrent. I don't think it's out of topic. Because thats the topic, the egyptians are rising, and they want power over the olympians. If you think the olympian and egyptian universes should keep sepret it's YOUR opinion, i think that the two universes colliding is a very good subject. But Carter ans Sadie aren't in my story.

marcos522 wrote:Thanks for reviewing. I just wanted to make something diffrent. I don't think it's out of topic. Because thats the topic, the egyptians are rising, and they want power over the olympians. If you think the olympian and egyptian universes should keep sepret it's YOUR opinion, i think that the two universes colliding is a very good subject. But Carter ans Sadie aren't in my story.

Just making constructive criticism, and when are you going to get chapter 5 up?

I think tomorow or the day after that, or maybe today!!! . School ended a week ago, so i have alot of time. I think i'm going to make a quest, i have an idea, but if i tell you it'll be like ruining the suspens for you.

I feel the story may be moving abit too quickly. I know it probably will be a lot driven story, but I'd like to get to know the characters more, people like Marcus and his two new best friends. I'm assuming Marcos is you, so you could maybe imagine what it would be like to stumble across this world and what you would feel, and maybe write about that.

I also the friendships need more development than what was in the story; maybe something happened that brought them together?

The humour thoughtout the story seems a little Rick Riordan-esque, do you know what I mean? It sounds like you are trying to write in a similar style as him. I don't know if thats true but maybe your own personal style would suit the story more.

Just some ideas.

Thanks for reviewing. Thanks for you're opinion, it really means alot to me. I'm writing in my style, i usually write like this. it might be going a bit fast, but that's what builds suspense. And in the next chapter i'm going to put a conversation, so they could get to know each other better. And the reason they bonded so quikly is that they feel a conection between them . And remember in the lightning thief? Percy and Annabeth weren't all that of friends, but during the quest they bonded. I'm planning to do that.

I usually don't go on Mortalnet's fanfiction (I go on fanfiction.net.), so forgive me if I say something wrong.

I read the first chapter, and this is what I think:
You need some help in grammar. Do they have beta readers on mortal net?
The plot has some potential, but you need to make some creative twists.
Annabeth was out of character. A beta reader could fix this, if you got a good one, but I don't know if there are beta readers on this site.

So, good luck!

Thanks for reviewing, i already improved my grammar. And no, we don't have beta readers in mortalnet, fanfiction.I think. What do you mean about creative twists? and annabeth was out of character? i don't think so.

I sent you a PM on it.

Thanks for reviewing. Were's that line from?. oh, the red pyramid.

marcos522 wrote:Thanks for reviewing, i already improved my grammar. And no, we don't have beta readers in mortalnet, fanfiction.I think. What do you mean about creative twists? and annabeth was out of character? i don't think so.

I could pre-read for you if you would like.

i'l try to get to it later for more feedback if you'd like.

Thanks riczhang, that would be great.

I think it's a very good story I agree with you, the two universes colliding thing is cool. I think it's a great idea. But just so you know, Artemis is a maiden goddess, so she cant really have any kids... just pointing that out... because Andrea is a daughter of Artemis... yeah. So maybe elaborate on that, like she was born out of Artemis' bow or something like that, cuz u know, Athena's kids come out of her head, and she's still a maiden goddess. so that would be good. but overall i liked it

DiaClaireNoel wrote:I think it's a very good story I agree with you, the two universes colliding thing is cool. I think it's a great idea. But just so you know, Artemis is a maiden goddess, so she cant really have any kids... just pointing that out... because Andrea is a daughter of Artemis... yeah. So maybe elaborate on that, like she was born out of Artemis' bow or something like that, cuz u know, Athena's kids come out of her head, and she's still a maiden goddess. so that would be good. but overall i liked it

There are lots of fanfic stories about Artemis's kids.(My keyboard is typing French right now and I can not change it back. So excuse any French letters)

Yeah, ik, i'm just saying that technically she vowed never to have any kids... well, i'm sure she'd be fine with the kids, but not... you know... she vowed not to do that. so.... yeah. and btw, i dont see any french letters, so you're okay

DiaClaireNoel wrote:Yeah, ik, i'm just saying that technically she vowed never to have any kids... well, i'm sure she'd be fine with the kids, but not... you know... she vowed not to do that. so.... yeah. and btw, i dont see any french letters, so you're okay

I restarted the computer so it's fine now, and sometimes they are described like cyclopes a mistake.

sure... and btw how did your computer switch to french? i dont even think mine can if i want it to... but its kinda old

DiaClaireNoel wrote:sure... and btw how did your computer switch to french? i dont even think mine can if i want it to... but its kinda old

I was doing French homework, and then I suppose the computer detected that I was typing french and turned the keyboard into french.

Back on-topic, so Marco just PM me the story rather than sending me an e-mail cause I don't check my e-mail often.

riczhang wrote:

DiaClaireNoel wrote:I think it's a very good story I agree with you, the two universes colliding thing is cool. I think it's a great idea. But just so you know, Artemis is a maiden goddess, so she cant really have any kids... just pointing that out... because Andrea is a daughter of Artemis... yeah. So maybe elaborate on that, like she was born out of Artemis' bow or something like that, cuz u know, Athena's kids come out of her head, and she's still a maiden goddess. so that would be good. but overall i liked it

There are lots of fanfic stories about Artemis's kids.(My keyboard is typing French right now and I can not change it back. So excuse any French letters)

Those Artemis's kids stories are usually cliche and badly written. No offense, but that's the truth. Having them born from her bow would be cool, but explaining why that no one was born out of her bow before that would be hard.

marcos522 wrote:Thanks for reviewing, i already improved my grammar. And no, we don't have beta readers in mortalnet, fanfiction.I think. What do you mean about creative twists? and annabeth was out of character? i don't think so.

The grammar still needs a little help. I could help you with it, if you want. Just PM and I'll give you my e-mail. And about Annabeth being OOC, I never really thought her the type to say "Oh, you poor thing."

Hi, It's Marcos522 here. I changed a couple of things in my story. I think i resolved the problem of Annabeth being OOC. I'm sorry i put Andrea the daughter of Artemis. It was late when i wrote that, I wanted her to be good at archery and healing. So, i put her the daughter of Apollo now. Sorry for the sudden change.

Hey, people. I'm currently writing a story on Mortalnet's Fanfiction. It's called "The rising threat". Here you can tell me what you think of my story, Ask if you don't understand something, and tell me what you think or want to happen next in my story. I'm hoping you can help me out.

http://mnfanfiction.uuuq.com/viewstory.php?sid=40

Please, can anyone help me with my story? I know i'm not the best writer around, but i want to know what people think of it.

Please!!!

I'll try not to sound to harsh but, It's good but it could be better. It could be more well developed, and the characters seem a little off though I couldn't pin down what it was. Also, in 3 words(don't think to harsh of me, it's constructive criticism): I've seen worse/better.